Coming Out in Middle School
Austin didn’t know what to wear to his first gay dance last spring. It was bad enough that the gangly 13-year-old from Sand Springs, Okla., had to go without his boyfriend at the time, a 14-year-old star athlete at another middle school, but there were also laundry issues. “I don’t have any clean clothes!” he complained to me by text message, his favored method of communication.
When I met up with him an hour later, he had weathered his wardrobe crisis (he was in jeans and a beige T-shirt with musical instruments on it) but was still a nervous wreck. “I’m kind of scared,” he confessed. “Who am I going to talk to? I wish my boyfriend could come.” But his boyfriend couldn’t find anyone to give him a ride nor, Austin explained, could his boyfriend ask his father for one. “His dad would give him up for adoption if he knew he was gay,” Austin told me. “I’m serious. He has the strictest, scariest dad ever. He has to date girls and act all tough so that people won’t suspect.”
Austin doesn’t have to play “the pretend game,” as he calls it, anymore. At his middle school, he has come out to his close friends, who have been supportive. A few of his female friends responded that they were bisexual. “Half the girls I know are bisexual,” he said. He hadn’t planned on coming out to his mom yet, but she found out a week before the dance. “I told my cousin, my cousin told this other girl, she told her mother, her mother told my mom and then my mom told me,” Austin explained. “The only person who really has a problem with it is my older sister, who keeps saying: ‘It’s just a phase! It’s just a phase!’ ” Read on
about 4 months ago
Its a tough world …
about 4 months ago
That article was very cute, very awesome, and made me cry.
about 4 months ago
When I was that age, Life Magazine, the most popular magazine in the United States at that time, came out with an issue all about homosexuality. It was not very helpful, and actually set me back a number of years because of the anti-gay tone of the articles. It is good to see things have changed so much.
about 4 months ago
enjoyed the article. i new someday you’d find kids in middle school coming out… too bad it wasn’t happening for me in the late 90′s
about 4 months ago
Thank you Josh for finding and posting this awesome article.
about 4 months ago
That was really fun and interesting to read ^^ thanks for posting this :)
about 4 months ago
Ah… the author is Benoit Denizet-Lewis. He himself has come a long way, though there is a lot he has not yet grasped about what really bad things are going on in the world around him. His articles always seem to be self-therapeutic for him.
He egregiously backstabbed some boy-oriented folks a few years back in a related article, despite his apparent inclinations even if they are only superficially similar, and has not apologized for the horrendous way he treated those people.
Everyone is human and makes mistakes, but there is no need to make enemies just to make oneself feel better. Besides which here he seems to take delight in the very young, while in his other piece brutally derides others who are not very far different, indeed a very segment of society that cannot openly defend itself.
about 4 months ago
Do you have a link to this other article?
about 4 months ago
Boy Crazy
http://www.bostonmagazine.com/home/articles/boy_crazy/
Funny, reading it today I don’t have the same negative reaction I had to reading it ten years ago. The print version did have titillating highlight quotes like “these guys just want to fuck boys” etc. etc. Now I see that the portrayal as a bunch of kinda harmless but weird guys is not so bad after all, hahah!
Shows how much worse things have gotten in ten years.
about 4 months ago
oh my gosh, that article is so phony.
for one, no one is coming out in middle school and high school besides those who its obvious already are. (the odd, freaky sort of kids that would be made fun of regardless).
and just the fact that everyone makes a big deal out of coming out and having support groups and stuff as if being gay makes you some sort of different person that requires you to be isolated from society.
why does there need to be separate dances and talk groups for queers? straight people don’t do that, why do gay people need to?
truth is, if i came out in HS, i would be barged with insults and would lose alot of respect and there would be no one willing to come out and have an open relationship just because of the way high schoolers are.
i don’t know what planet this guy is writing this about.
about 4 months ago
@17o0o you do not know what you are talking about. your experience is not every experience. just because you don’t know any middle school kids who are out just means you don’t know any gay middle school kids who have told you. is that suprising to you? do you imagine there should have been some boy in this article who said “i came out to my close friends, oh and this random dude who needed to know so he’d have proof this is happening”?
I was out in middle school and i am not odd or freaky or made fun of, and I am not effeminate if that’s what you mean by “obvious.” i am not the only one who came out. that school does have a GSA there now which I helped found (tho never really went to cause they ended up being lame). i have probably 30+ gay/bi friends irl that i talk to pretty regularly and at least 5-10 are in middle school.
why have dances? well then why have pride events? why have anything? because its fun.
you ignorant douche face, i feel dumber for having even responded to you.
about 4 months ago
maybe things are alot different in other parts of the country, but i know of about 2 gay people my age in my entire school.
im sure there are alot of people who are gay, but just dont come out. idk if its just my high school, but no one would have the courage to openly get into a relationship. its just the way immature high schoolers are.
immature in the way they deal with social acceptance and how they think they have to fit in. there are so many people i know that probably have gay feelings, but dont want to admit it, even to themselves.
i may be being cynical, but thats what im seeing everyday, im not seeing any of this stuff talked about in the article. it just doesnt seem real or pheasible.
and i do stick to my stance that there is too big an emphasis on support groups, parades and whatnot. its like asking for sympathy. i dont want sympathy, why should i be ashamed of this and ask for sympathy just because people cant accept me the way i am. thats a problem with them, not me. they should be the ones going to the damn support groups.
and you dont need a parade to have fun and meet other gays. a parade just asks straight people for too much attention, again asking for sympathy and support, which i just dont believe in being proactive about. all i want from the straight man is my rights, whether they want to respect me or not is their problem.
about 4 months ago
I was out at school when I was 12. I never ever had the slightest problem with anyone because of it in my whole school life.
about 4 months ago
Wow, how does one even respond to that?
Kids are starting to come out to their friends and family at a much younger age than they have in the past.
I think the support groups might help some kids who are unsure about coming out. More importantly, the support groups might help curb some of the verbal and physical harassment going on in schools. It certainly beats having nothing in place (and teachers allowing the harassment to continue).
about 4 months ago
I live in Oklahoma… FML..
about 4 months ago
Ehh.. I’m still not out and I don’t feel comfortable being out in my country. Maybe if I’d have boyfriend or any kind of support, but who know.
about 4 months ago
I think this business about coming out at 13 is a fantasy. Just another way to, once again, talk of young boys sexuality is pseudo-official way, and sell magazines to those who just can’t get enough of it.
Been a teacher over 20 years, known maybe..I don’t know… 8 to 10 thousand kids in all, in various countries.
There has been a few obviously gay boys (about 20% I guess of total future gays), and never heard of one coming out publicly, not even recently, or in a tolerant environment.
They may be gay, but it is not just unlikely they would be so extroverted as to make it public, and most would not have enough experience, and sexual experience, to claim with clarity, with the risks it entails, that they are ‘gay’.
One case in a million doesnt make for a Truth.
But does make an article sell.
about 4 months ago
just another thought:
just watch all that compassion, understanding, empathy and support dissapeare like snow under a flame-thrower if the young gay claims to be in love with one who is not a minor!
Woosh! back to the shrink sofa, treatment, condemnation, prison for the other.
about 4 months ago
These are two excellent observations, #16 and #17.
Also the excellent point that Wordworth makes in # 7 that the author of the article has his own agenda.
about 4 months ago
that was my initial impression, agree completely
about 4 months ago
I’ll bet you anything that the boys referred to in this article will for the most part grow up to be “garden variety gays”, not those who will like teenage boys. They will appear on Oprah and get married in states that permit it. They will adopt and raise families and become the male equivalent of “soccer moms”.
What a fucking bore! Spare me!
about 4 months ago
@Ivan and 17oOo
The article may not be the average situation of gay teens in general. I saw it more as a … beacon of hope (upps sorry for being phony) … saying it COULD be different. And there are places were it already IS different to what we know. It says: yes! there is hope!
And hey … I like hope … hope is a good thing … makes me live through my day a lot of times. :-)
P.S.: But yes about the article being generally realistic. You’re right … it’s not … but hey maybe someday :-)
about 4 months ago
Yeeeoow! He is a darling guy. Thanks for that…….any more? — retz
about 4 months ago
I am more akin to the athlete. When my bi-sister came out my father’s heart-to-heart was to state that “I want to kill her; but I do have a responsability for her well being. ”
One can argue that my sister is alive on mere account of mental instability. I don’t have that luxury.
Even friends must not utter fatefull words on occassion. Comming out is not always an option available.
Just a flip side.
about 4 months ago
I came out to some friends when i was 12, some accepted it, others rejected me and bullied me so badly I wanted to kill myself, but I got through it. I think in the last few years things have changed a bit but not as much as this article says, not in my area anyway. I was at an all ages gig on the weekend and I was standing near a group of kids about 11-13 and they were talking openly about sexuality. The girls had more idea about what they were talking about than the boys:
Boy 1 (about 12): What’s hetero?
Boy 2 (about 13): It’s like metro(sexual)
Girl 1 (about 13): No hetero means, like, you’re straight
Boy 1: I’m not straight
Boy 2: are you a poofter then? (Aus word for gay for those who don’t know it)
Boy 1: no, I’m metro
Girl 2 (about 12): metro just means you’re straight but you look gay
Boy 1: I’m like half metro, half gay
Boy 2: so you’re bi?
Boy 1: yeah
and then they walked off. There was no laughing, teasing, bullying or anything else involved in this discussion. It was all very matter of fact.
Things change pretty quickly and I hope things keep changing towards what this article shows. Every kid deserves the right to be comfortable and happy with who they are, staight, bi or gay.
about 4 months ago
Did anyone get a chance to read the article about coming out in school in Attitude Magazine?
It was really good, as it had various views on the matter from students who did come out when they were in school, students who didn’t, current students debating it etc, gay teachers and their views an opinions…
If you can, or you do get a chance to read it, i highly recommend it :)
about 4 months ago
When I saw that magazine cover it reminded me of when I was in police explorers and what they told us.
We were brought in to the briefing room and was told
“If you are gay , bisexual or a lesbian. Please do not come out. This program is ran by the Boy Scouts of America and if you were to come out we would have to let you go. I have no problem with anyone being gay and this is a fucked up rule, but we are governed by the BSA and we have to follow. So if you are gay and want to stay in the program please don’t come out. ”
I was one of those gay explorers and yeah I did keep my mouth shut, some may think I was a wimp for not standing up. I loved that program so I was not going to let it go.
And about coming out in middle school. Its possible and I believe it. I knew i was gay or at least bi-curious in middle school. I was already downloading gay porn, fantasying about the boys in my PE class. Hell the first and only time my dad caught me with porn was gay porn on my PC. I came out to my friends the summer of 2000 when we graduated from middle school.
about 1 month ago
Okay, so I just decided that I would google myself today, and of course I expected 90% of what I found to be this article. I was featured in this article with my mother, Nadia. “Austin from Michigan” is me. Don’t act like you know what you’re talking about, please, unless you do. Just because in your school people weren’t coming out doesn’t mean in the other hundreds of thousands of schools people weren’t either.
AND even if it is only a few kids, that’s a lot fucking more than it would’ve been say 20, 30 years ago.